Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
smartest karate player in the world
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.