[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE