The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
You Might Also Like
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My life in a nutshell