ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The dark side of Canada
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.