Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
You Might Also Like
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My inexpensive home security system…
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.