“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
You Might Also Like
New tinder profile pic
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.