when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
You Might Also Like
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
how to market bottled water to dads
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Ion see the issue
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it