Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you