just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU