“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Netflix and you sit over there.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad