My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I wanna be friends with this person
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”