the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.