All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”