ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.