My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I have a new favorite meme page
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Wait a minute…
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)