I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee