December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m having an out of money experience.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Oh thanks BBC.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.