My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Breaking news:
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
all that yoga finally paid off
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Every work call, he judges.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS