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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
welp
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?