“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Always 🥴
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.