When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉