I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.