Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog