When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
When can I start eating bats again.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.