Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?