I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
#Caturday
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.