Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.