[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You Might Also Like
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.