When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.