Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.