This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.