Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.