Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Worth the read.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!