I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there