Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
This made me chuckle.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.