*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*limbos under the caution tape
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.