[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You Might Also Like
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
very niche meme I made
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I bet birds love this building.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes