[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?