“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
You Might Also Like
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
the simulation is moving too fast
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.