If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Noah
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.