If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing