Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you