I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
why isn’t he texting back
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!