Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ