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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…