*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I put the mess in domestic.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom