Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear