Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
who wants to go expliring
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too