What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”