A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.